Lessons walking the Spanish Camino with my wife and 22 month old baby
Mood of our camino: The experience of pushing a baby through the birth canal
An epic venture has just ended, having completed just over 140kms on the Spanish Camino with my wife and baby, along the northern coast of Spain (Camino De Norte). The symbolic pilgrimage ended as we arrived at the hotel where we would have our wedding, with friends and family from all over the world. The spiritual lessons we sought, were both intentional and spontaneous. The learnings for both my wife and I, were so significant that we wanted to share the more meaningful ones separately.:
I began writing this article sitting on a plane, leaving Mallorca and our honeymoon, and traveling back to Madrid, as week slowly made our way back to South Africa. We missed our first flight in Mallorca, and almost missed the second one we booked (but that’s another story). I continued writing this (briefly) on a flight from hell as we flew from Madrid via Dubai to Cape Town, with a terribly ill and coughing baby, on a sleepless flight. I now finish writing this article 12 hours later, on a plane to Johannesburg, en route to Washington DC this evening as I’m processing the epic journey we undertook, which continues. The journey taken has heavily influenced the direction of our lives, my commitment to my family and the vows I took.
To my lessons along The Way:
The long road to gentleness and care. I clearly have an A-type personality, with a default position of intensity, impatience and pushing the limits of everything I do, including time. I used to pride myself on arriving 40 minutes before a flight, making meetings just on time, and loading myself with many tasks and complexity in work. There is a cost to that type of behaviour, especially as the pressures of life, complexity of work and child rearing has begun. The managing of anxiety has become more difficult, and with increased stress levels and lowered resilience physically, comes restless sleep and harsh behaviour to loved ones when the going gets tough. Harshness can play itself out in micro-aggressions, consistent irritation, heightened anxiety and if suppressed, just outright rage and anger as a form of release. This is of course all relative, because if anyone who knows me, would hardly attribute those behaviors to me. However, as I’ve attended to my own sensitivity and self awareness, what might be subtle or unseen to some, is outright apparent to me and time plays itself out. If i compare my 20s and 30s behavior, to myself now entering my 40s, I’m almost unrecognizable, even though i feel at the beginning of this gentleness journey. For my relationship to my wife, the more care and gentleness, the more trust and intimacy develops. Our love is as fragile as a flower, however with deep roots and a strong foundation. Love in our life requires that care and gentleness to bloom. Gentleness when its easy with little pressure is easy for me. But being gentle, when the pressure is high, someone insults me, the anger unrelenting with my incessant need ‘to be right’, is a whole other ball game of awareness. To find the needle head of light in the depth of despair is an art and journey, I’m excited to be on.
Observing life as it truly unfolds. This is my second camino (and much shorter). Something so simple as walking long distances has a tremendous effect on my psyche, and my perception of how life truly unfolds for myself, versus how I think it does. All my intentions, expectations, fears and anxieties find a way to be observed in really refreshing and slower ways, as the regular pressures of life get crowded out whilst walking 6-8 hours per day. Sharing this experience with my wife and 22 month old baby, as we co-parent 24/7, with no support, and life throwing unexpected spanners, shined new dimensions of how we relate to ourselves, as partners, and as a family. Issues which were subtle and unseen in day to day parenting and relating suddenly became magnified 10x. What seemed subtle in normal life, became large and gross along this long road. Below are some keys areas which really showed up.
When you zoom up on flowers. You find aliens …
Controls and obsessions
My body image, eating and drinking habits. I’ve always had a significant negative body image, since I was young. I’ve always felt too fat, and I was bullied for that, for most of my primary and high school days. I’ve continually laid restrictive controls on what I eat and drink from a very young age. As I have hit my 40s, and felt the time restraints, stresses and anxieties of additional responsibilities, and the very nature of aging, my body is changing. But my expectations of ‘how I should look’, are stuck somewhere in my mid and late 20s when i was Uber fit and highly dietary restrictive. Excessive exercise was another key mechanism for managing my weight. I used to rely on it heavily for controlling my weight and perceived self worth. In Spain, and on the camino, its almost impossible to place any controls on food. So, I didn’t. I ate croissants everyday, hoovered down bread, colds meats, cheese, and alcohol like it was water. Before this trip, my wife and I have only been drunk once in our entire relationship. On this trip, we were literally tipsy to drunk every single day. And we loved it. We walked, sweated and drank beer, sangria, cider and wine like we were fish. What was designed as a ‘spiritual’ walk to our wedding, was a daily celebration for a month now. I love chocolate, carbs and sugar, and I don’t want to remove or highly restrict the sweetness of life. Even if that means I have a bit of a tummy and chubby thighs at times.
Parenting. In the early stages of parenting, the responsibility of looking after a baby, was overwhelming for us. Control is such an important mechanism for us to care for our baby. We often say Leo is like a drunken uncle on a suicide mission. But the degree of control and fears we had over our lives, and each other, was strangling us. This was largely unseen until we started to walk, and it required that we rewire our way of parenting and relating, significantly towards space and trust, if we were to enjoy this Camino. We hardly noticed this beforehand. Control is very important but its become a thin line before it’s destructive, and unhealthy in my relationships.
These skills have definitely been tested over long walks and flights
Personal development and spiritual work. This is a big one for me. I’ve been on an active personal development and spiritual journey since I was 21. So much of my life and attention has been dedicated to ‘this work’. What has been my medicine in life, is starting to become a ‘poison’. Along this walk, and thanks to my wife’s advice, it seems that this intense focus (which I naturally have) on personal development is actually an obsession, and guess what, that obsession is focused on ‘me’. ‘My’ lessons, ‘my’ journey, the symbols I see in ‘my’ life, and ‘my’ self awareness. This focus is seemingly a form of obsession, and takes attention away from life, my wife, baby and relationships. During this walk, there is seemingly a path I need to walk to unwind this attention to be present for other things in life, especially a service to my family. Even the act of mindfulness, and being consciously aware, became obsessive attention, even if it was to ‘my’ thoughts, ‘my’ body and ‘my’ environment. A detox of me-me-me was long overdue. It’s ironic that this very article is about ‘my’ experience (I hope it serves a purpose for others).
Prayers and intentions for our little family along The Way
Resisting resistance. I’ve found myself in a precarious position, gained over years, where my nervous system doesn’t move from being fully rested and relaxed to focused and intense. I sit somewhere in the middle, with peaks of anxiety and stress. I guess this is pretty normal for being a single income parent of a young child, in a challenging profession. It feels as if I resist life to some extent, as I try control its outcomes. During this walk, my lesson is moved me away from trying to sleep and trying to relax, and trying to reduce resistance. But simply to accept the resistance, and the potential sleeplessness, anxiety and stress. Accepting resistance is clearly linked to accepting life, and what it throws at me. The need to do more, to lessen this experience is proving very useful. It reduces the need to put more restrictions in place, add more meditations as I place a gentle blanket over that uncomfortable, learnt feeling. This is a tough task in a creation which can feel unsafe. Only recently have I learnt that an old friend is very ill, a baby through a relation has passed away, and in the last two days, having witnessed serious accidents in Mallorca and Madrid, as we drove past. This excludes anything in social media and global news. The combination of being more conscious, self aware, sensitive, with a nervous system wired for flight and fight, in what can be perceived as an unsafe world, is tough by design. As i fly back to South Africa, which is unsafe in its very nature as a family, I trust in accepting this resistance, which intuitively brings more trust and acceptance of the world as it is.
Allowing emotions to flow: Related to resisting resistance, one of the deepest held beliefs I have as a man, is suppressing my emotions and playing the role of caretaker to others permanently. I won’t go into my history with that since being a young child, but I would say that I have consistently been the shoulder to cry on, and supporter of others, even my parents. However, when I don’t feel safe in life, lonely or unsupported, I resort to keeping it inside me, and not expressing those feelings, until they explode out of me. A small cry wouldn’t often do, if they were expressed quickly, but I can go a full day with anxiety, irritation and even mood instability or depression before I eventually release it. Some of that emotional release is personal to my circumstance, but the major aspect of my loneliness and instability is archetypal and existential human condition. I know our human journey in life is long, winding, unknown and will be marked with not only joy, but equally death for everyone of us. As I’ve formed a family with children, I am realizing that all of this will no longer be at one point, as all of us will end up being memories fading through time, until those even disappear. I think I feel a loneliness in this, having being born, and therefore knowingly facing the truth that all this will no longer be, including myself (and family), and I have zero control over that outcome. The resistance I feel to that is great, and I constantly need to express the emotions that come with that. The plus side I think, is that the small and ordinary moments in my life are becoming more and more sweet with this knowledge. Life is truly a beautiful and remarkable shit-sandwich (especially having to die after being born). I shared a poem at the end of this post, which speaks about this part of being human.
Giving advice versus sharing my experiences. I’ve been on the former trip my whole adult life, sharing how I think people should live their lives, and self appointing myself as ‘some teacher’ or sharer of life lessons. I didn’t realize the damage that was causing me and others, in so many subtle and gross ways (need a whole article for just this insight). All the so called and self appointed gurus, teachers, leaders I have relied upon for wisdom, have eroded my wellbeing. I see this so clearly now. Sharing ‘my’ experience feels very different to ‘me’ now, than ‘telling’ people how life supposedly is, and what people should or should not do. Invariably, all the so called ‘teachings’ I gave, i couldn’t stick to in complete integrity. Abandoning them is a relief, and giving up the reading of (or providing) 2 minute anecdotes and inspirational ‘half truth’ quotes on how to live a better life is just amazing. I’ve had a whole bunch of experiences in life, but what do I really know about the nature of life - pretty much zero - what a gift that is to me if I can embody this lesson bit by bit. It feels more aligned and relieving for me ‘to be vulnerable’ (as an example) than talk about the virtues of vulnerability. The stress of acting like a teacher/expert/guru or god providing advice to all and sundry far outweighed the benefit of being just a beautifully flawed human. Too many of my past ‘teachers’ were quick to share their wisdom or advice of having life figured out, than speak about their own pains, anxieties and troubles. Maybe its a fad, but I’m far less interested now in finding perfection or trying to be a god, rather than just be my full spectrum self. In fact, when some guy in a beard or a sweaty motivational speaker type tries to sell me their wares, that they have figured out success or how to lead my best life, I find myself back peddling in the opposite direction, or scrolling down.
Jupiter you are angry, therefore you are wrong. This quote comes from the ancient Greeks, then the Romans, and has been used numerously by Russian writers / philosophers like Dostoyevsky and Pushkin. This quote has been on repeat in my head for a few days now, and its implications are extremely relevant for me. I won’t try interpret it for you, however even though I see the importance of exploring and expressing anger in my life, it’s proving itself an incorrect ‘interpretation’ over and over again for every issue I take with life and its extremes.
Being continually showered with gifts, experiences and abundance. Slowing life right down to single steps just showed our family how gifted and abundant our life really is. Having left work, and actually not even having enough money to fund our wedding and trip, up to the very last day, was just magical to watch unfold. Small gifts of water holes for drinking, when we had run out on road, and had a crying baby, appeared out of nowhere. Car hiring companies upgrading us twice to sports cars without us intervening. Apples, grapes, and raspberry’s to pick everywhere whilst we walked brightened our mornings. Observing the little moments of our son making us laugh, or eagles fly above us as we consider our intentions for our life, brightened our day. So many of our friends and family, helping us setup our wedding and making It the most beautiful, modest and abundant event I have experienced. The love shared between all of us, was so touching. I think I have always been showered with love, safety, abundance and care. I just hadn’t noticed it to this degree. The long walking helped that. I now fly to Washington DC, to attend a conference, getting the privilege to deep dive intellectual thinking on solving social and environmental issues, and listen to ex US Secretary of State Madeline Albright speak from experience from a geo-political perspective. The showering doesn’t end as I will attend a British Council and Trade event in Johannesburg, en route back to Cape Town, hosted by Prince Harry and now Princess Meghan.
The car hire gods were even kind to us on our honeymoon.
The virtue of ‘responsible’ cheating and lying . I have an expansive, ambitious side of me that wants what I want when I want it, sometimes like a child and other times as become so focused. I used to be blissfully unaware of this facet, but as I became more conscious of that part of my nature, I used to feel guilty and shame, as I tried to obliterate it, thinking that pure selflessness was the goal in life. On this holiday, I really saw its value and virtue. Being ambitious, requires a level of risk tolerance which I have always had in buckets. However, sometimes, to get what you want, you might need to lie, cheat or even break the law. Now in contemporary religion, modern corporate governance, religious practice, and new age spirituality, this kind of behavior can be frowned upon as unethical. But life is seemingly more complex than binary. When I weigh up what I want to do versus, what the risk is, and who it could hurt in the process, I have made many decisions which could be deemed unethical. This is the first time in life, where I fully own that behaviour and understand its important value to living an adventurous life, but equally how important it is to be measured, understanding, who it could hurt, to what extent and taking radical responsibility for my actions. A (gentle) example from our wedding: the hotel we chose for our wedding in Northern Spain (Villaviciosa, Asturias), we’d never seen in real life, only pictures online. I knew the ceremony venue was going to be a problem from the outset, especially for my wife. It was either in a garden above a tar driveway in plain site, or under a old school storage house on stilts with bricks everywhere. When we arrived, my friend and I took a walk, scaled a low hanging electric fence above the hotel and found a beautiful field with only expansive views to the sea. My decision was made - it had to be there. The ceremony had to be here. Unfortunately, this land was owned by a farmer who seasonly used it for his cows to graze, and he had a terrible relationship to the farmer. The owner of the farm was against the idea from the beginning, so I didn’t push the issue immediately. As the wedding was approaching, I asked the staff if we could use the land, knowing that the owner was now totally against the idea. I didn’t get a response, except a casual ‘I’m sure it will be fine but we will get back to you after we check with the owner’. I didn’t get a response, but I used their ‘I’m sure it will be fine’ answer as my signal to proceed. On the morning of the ceremony I covertly setup up the ceremony space with friends, getting all the chairs up to the field, and clearing it a bit, so it was suitable for walking. About 40 minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to start, all hell broke lose with a standoff between us and the staff of the hotel. I knowingly used that opportunity to state that it was too late to change, and lye that the staff member (whom I couldn’t remember), agreed to our plans (of course they didn’t). The final negotiation ended with myself having a conversation with the owner over the phone, promising to take all responsibility for trespassing onto the farmer’s land and absolving the hotel of any knowledge about our plans. So there we had it, the most beautiful ceremony, paradoxically illegally on someone else’s land! My wife and I share that attitude in life proudly, realizing that there will sometimes be painful and costly consequences at times. For that wedding, I made a call, it was risky but the right one, and no-one was hurt in the process. Whilst standing at the alter, watching my bride walk down the rough make-shift isle of grass and small nettles, I finally reconciled that part of my nature. The part that can cheat, lye, take risks, and break the law, all in the spirit of adventure and ambition. I won’t change that part, but it will always be measured and responsible. The one area of ‘lying’ which I suffer from, are small exaggerations to ‘spice’ up a story. Although seemingly small, the cost to me from loved ones, is trust. It’s an area of my life I’m very aware of, exaggerating / small lies for the sake of seeking attention. There are probably a million other reasons not to cheat or lie, but I rarely hear the virtues of.
I would love your comments on these lessons, as they emerge for me, especially if you disagree or have particular aspects to wish to share, which I could learn from. I don’t think these lessons can be fully ‘learnt’ or ticked off completely. My sense is that they are a slow and progressive deepening, which I’m excited about.
The poem by Jeff Foster I promised to share (from Allowing emotions to flow section above):
“As the Buddha taught, there is no ground anywhere to be found here. Nothing to hold onto. No existential home for us.
Except here in presence. Except here in the breath.
The price of freedom, then? A relentless commitment to both the light and the dark of experience. To the joy and sorrow of life, the boredom and the bliss and the insecurity of living.
There is a profound loneliness inherent in existence itself. It is the loneliness of distant planets spinning in infinite space. It is the loneliness of forever being at the point of pure creation. It is the loneliness of leaving the world, confronting the passing moments, dying to all that you want and love and know. It is the loneliness that exists at the core of every living being.
It is a sacred loneliness that is not bad, or wrong, or sinful or shameful, or a sign that you are broken or damaged or incomplete in some way.
It is a nourishing, comforting, restful, life-giving loneliness, a misunderstood doorway to joy.
It is a loneliness that never leaves, that is unrelated to how 'popular' you are. It is a loneliness that does not isolate you, but actually connects you to all Life. It is a healthy loneliness, and it takes courage to stay with it and not run away.
Touch life at the point of creation, then; loneliness contains its own cure.”
- Jeff Foster