Fear of Failure revisited

I’ve been an entrepreneur for over 12 years, and for that period of extreme ups and downs, I’ve never considered myself a successful business person (according to some undefinable standard I’ve set for myself). Equally, until I met my wife (who is amazing), I’ve also never had a ‘successful’ love relationship, and felt rejected by women for as long as I remember. Strange this, as I’ve equally had my fair share of partners / lovers over my adult life.

But let’s take us back to 1979, when my father had been recently shot twice, was incapacitated couldn’t work consistently for years, and I came into being in August that year. My parents got divorced when I was 8, and my father, with consistent promises of success, never quite cracked it, and I went into a period of many years, pushing people away, putting on weight and feeling rejected by friends. I never quite felt I fitted in at school, and it was only in university, when I really started feeling accepted by my peer group.

Some of you might be sitting here, thinking ‘first world problems’, but the psychological pain of feeling rejected, the consistent need to feel accepted, and fearing failure in my own life, became THE major driver for what I considered success. So, yes, it seemed that the fear of failure became one significant driver for success.

Fast forward two decades, I’ve peeled back so many layers of my psyche, invited in a soul mate, marriage, a family home, increased financial success, and now a beautiful 9-month baby boy, and suddenly the lineage I was (and similarly my wife) born into, has a possibility of change for my children.

One problem though, the fear of failure, now with responsibility I’ve never had, has become overbearing. The pressure I sub-consciously place on myself, to NOT make the same mistakes as my parents, be a great husband, father, provider, has ramped up a level of anxiety, which I’ve always had but never truly faced.

Those stakes suddenly feel far higher, than when I was a bachelor, co-founding a startup. The consequences feel real.

So now those fears and anxieties of failure, are impossible to ignore or suppress. So much so, that I feel them extensively and deeply every day of my life. I’ve probably learnt every type of spiritual tool to manage this. But its feelings are deep. So, letting go, ‘being in the now’, breath through it, acceptance of ‘what is’, having a ‘daily practice’, focus on other things… I’ve heard all of it. The only thing I find I can do is fully accept my life where it is, take each day at a time, ground myself into exercise and a meditative practice, BUT I have no answers … yet.

This experience is emerging, and the seeking for answers now is actually more painful, and allowing the question to mature over time. There are no expectations of waking up tomorrow, and ‘being healed’. No magic pill or insight – yet. However, I do try to simply accept myself fully for where I am in my life, and find joy where I can. And there is a lot to be joyful about. As I do have my health, a beautiful and supportive wife and family, an amazing business partner, meaningful work and wonderful friends.

However, transforming a way of being which I have maintained my entire life, which in essence, reinforces that something is lacking (or not good enough the way I am), is a profound journey. This type of transformation takes time in my experience, and requires patience, gentleness and kindness consistently, even when your sub-conscious is telling you differently. There is really nothing else in my life which needs attention, and I’m not even sure that this issue is the ‘true’ source of the extreme anxiety.

Perhaps there are no ‘solutions’ or healings here. There is no ‘goal’ to feel or be a particular way consistently, in some linear fashion. Anti-depressants and medication may help, or support for a period, but we need to get to know ourselves. Not only our strengths, but our often-unfounded fears which don’t come true. Part of stepping into love, family and intimate relationships, is that it can ALL change at any moment. We have had our fair share of deaths in our family, and know its impact. However, what I do commit to, is allowing my fears and heavy thoughts in, treating them with kindness and releasing them as well as I can can, when they are ready. I also commit to bringing more gratitude to what I have achieved, and have in my life. And try bringing more love and care as I can to myself, family, friends, colleagues and communities.