The moment we greet each other with ‘Hi, how are you doing?’, and our response is ‘fine, cool, great’, it’s quite possible that we lose authenticity on the spot. This ‘western’ social decorum of greeting, is unknown in Russian culture where I am spending my summer holiday. If you’re Russian, greet a friend, but ask them how they are doing, expect a truthful answer which reflects a depth of how they are ‘really’ experiencing life.

This inauthenticity extends throughout our society, from dinner tables to family gatherings, and social events. Politeness or acting trumps authenticity time and again. In South African culture, how much of what we feel, do we really share?

This problem extends, especially in my case, even deeper. As an A-type, high performance personality, ‘not being on my A game’ is unacceptable. In fact, any thought, feeling or emotion that is not positive, affirming, or acceptable, is blocked out and suppressed. And I didn’t even know it.

For most of my adult life, I’ve considered myself a ‘spiritual seeker’. The underlying reason for this ‘seeking’ was healing, a sense of un-wholeness I felt inside. This mostly manifested as an unease, stress or anxiety I felt in life, which I experienced at various extremities, and the content was always different. I never really felt safe in life, and what I had achieved could/would be lost in any moment. I understand now that the actual act of seeking or personal development, comes from a place of ‘dis-ease’. In Russia, they have an expression, ‘you can’t force a flower open with your hands’. I can honestly say that all the effort I have spent for almost 2 decades, had my hands all over it.

I don’t regret any of it, as it’s been my road to finding authenticity and my true north. What’s inside must now reflect on the outside. At some point, we must all discover that we are already whole, and follow a path of authentically expressing what we feel and think. Even if it’s not pretty. This flower will open, but open naturally with patience over time. Once we accept all parts of ourselves, and find a way to express it, all can be released and opened. But there is really nothing to do in life, but to be yourself, whatever that is in the present moment.

I have had to discover this the hard way as my anxiety, sleeplessness and stress ramped up 10-fold. My old way of repressing and bottling it in, simply did not work. I needed to now follow a path of accepting myself as I am, finding the vulnerability to share my experience, and trust for the first time in my life, that I was weak and fragile, needing support from family and friends. This has brought me to my knees, but also to my authenticity.

All my tools have been removed. The tarot, astrology, pendulums, YouTube self-help videos, inspirational quotes, and mantras. All the acts of ‘needing fixing’, which my mind incessantly hunted needed to stop in its tracks. That’s been very tough. I’m simply having to witness myself the way I am, and know that’s ok even if it doesn’t feel ok. I have to feel the deepest of my fears, and allow them space to be there, but not control me. Finding practical, earthy things to do which are in the material world, placing me in the here and now. And taking each day at a time.

This is where I am finding my authenticity, and seeing that there is power in vulnerability and fragility too. Recognizing this relationship between authenticity, vulnerability and power is really interesting. Having played an avatar role of supporting everyone else in my life, and being the ‘strong one’ who dishes out advice on life, suddenly this role has been stripped. And there is a new skin which has to be built. One which is still me, but very new.

In spiritual circles, people speak of awakening, rebirth and transformation with so much ease, it rolls off the tongue amidst every sentence. Whether it be a psychedelic experience, or a 7-day yoga retreat. I’m seeming only now, that re-birthing is probably the most scary and traumatic experience one can have. Our coping mechanisms have such deep roots, and when they cease to work, and one is faced with their own neurosis’s 24/7, it takes small and baby steps to face, accept and begin to change that course. Its gift is obvious, and the treasure is clear, but boy oh boy you have to be ready for it.

And by ‘it’, I mean your authenticity, wherever it may reside in the NOW. Knowing that every NOW is changing, and evolving.